Death; the end, finito, oblivion, nothing. Almost as soon as we have thoughts, we know that we will die. When we are young we see 'old' people die, that's what they do isn't it? If we are unlucky a friend dies untimely (is there a timely time?) I remember Mavis, Ed, Simon, John to name a few. All gone before 30.

Then it's funerals, I have never been able to cope with them whether we're talking about being at my grandad's as a small boy, to most recently my mate Phil's (also untimely but at least nearer 60 than 30). The problem now is that if ever I see a coffin, anyone's coffin, even one on TV I just see myself in that box. Does that make me selfish? Cold, alone, waiting to rot or burn, neither much fun and ultimately forgotten.

What makes me saddest about my situation is not me (although I would be lying if I said that I never had any self pity) but its my family. My beautiful wife Sarah is watching me burn bright like a firework right now but just like a firework I will fade fast and then go out. She has to watch that and then deal with the sadness, the aftermath, blaming me for the little things that go wrong that I maybe forgot to do. Being scared at night when she hears a noise downstairs and can't get me to go and investigate. Then she has to deal with children. Who will do the 'dad thing' at the right time? Then there are my kids; no one to have man to man chats with, to be forgiven like only a dad can do when things go wrong and support when they need it. More jobs for Sarah!